The Final, Final List

An advance warning! I know I have a lot to say in this blog and this will be a long one. So, if you think you’re interested in reading it, please get a refill on your coffee or tea, read on and accept my thanks and gratitude for being in our lives.

We are on the final, final list before we lift off! We actually were able to take down our many individual sheets of 22” x 34” paper that have been hanging around the house for the past two months that listed every conceivable item we could think of in all of the various and multiple categories. We have, just last night, before we went to see Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, consolidated all of the current remaining items on to one sheet, yes friends, one page of an excel spreadsheet. This may be a welcome sight for those of you who visit us often and thought we had turned into complete organizational freaks. The previous, large scale lists seemed at the outset and proved to be important to our organization and planning giving us a central place we could go to and write down what came into our heads as crucial to complete whenever we thought of or remembered another item. They were also a pain in the ass, ugly to see and constant reminders of what we said we would do or had to do before we could leave. At times (often for me) the lists added to the sense that we may never get complete or get out of here and on this trip. I guess I wasn’t able or willing to see it as part and parcel of the trip!

The list’s, which were not pretty, not part of our decorating scheme for the wonderful old 1850 Greek Revival/Italianate house we live in and certainly not what Megan wanted hanging all over our cabinets, doors, walls, etc., were, however, vital to keeping it all together and essential to moving us to the place we are right now, almost there! They were, and maybe more importantly for our future, as has been this entire process, very revealing. A reminder to live life intentionally and not by default where and when ever we notice that we are.

Let’s face it. When you decide to leave your current lifestyle and activity for a year, there could be quite a few things that you need to get in order before you go, a fallout of sorts. I suppose you could and that some have, JUST WALKED AWAY. This was not the chosen option for us. It would have felt like we were running away. And how could two first born, ultra responsible people ever do something as cavalier as that. The romantic vision that I had of this trip, the one we had created and dream up many years ago was quickly usurped by the pressing need to get it together here before you go there. There are also, at least for us there were, many more things/pieces that reared up as only partially complete on each and every list that we believed needed to be complete- complete before we left. It’s a sickness that Meg and I have succumbed to.

Keep in mind; we follow the philosophy that, completion is only a declaration. Promises made are something completely different and that we can choose to keep our word about them or modify them as soon as we know we can’t keep them. There will always be consequences as a result but, in order to live with others peaceably and enjoy the possibility of having love and keeping friends and family around, straight communication and cleaning up messes seems essential.

We made a choice to not leave people hanging and to get life items in order so that they worked while we were gone so as to not have to micro manage our Connecticut life each and every day from the road. We had to line things up and deal with the details that often, evidently, we were just dealing with on an as required basis during our regular at home life. The life we created, at times, looked like the both of us standing in the batters cage with a pitching machine whipping 90 mph fastballs and the intermittent curveball at us ongoingly and we were just swinging away. Sometimes we would fall backwards, sometimes we would hit homeruns but most of the time we just kept swinging and taking what was coming our way. It is a life and not a bad one but it is certainly a busy, often frenetic, one to manage.

As we started making the BIG lists and in the process of cleaning things up and getting complete it became very obvious to me that I was not a complete completer. I would go to a certain level, like an acceptable level to me, of complete and then leave various pieces undone, hanging, waiting and otherwise incomplete. Well, they were stacked up and waiting. They weren’t forgotten or dismissed by me or by the people I worked for or the companies or individuals that I was supposed to do something for, they were JUST WAITING. Just like little hunks of rock orbiting around my head on a constant basis. Often, we were so busy that I was able to move around seeming unencumbered but they were taking their toll and occupying my mental space.

Sometimes, I would get a little nudge from someone. A call, a reminder, another reminder, a threat or a plea to please complete on the little thing left undone. Once completed we all seemed to be happy. But what continually occurred to me was that I did not have time to get all the things done that needed to be done. It also showed up as, it is not as much fun to finish those things as it is to start a new project and that sometimes that thing that needed to be done required a little more effort by me to either get it done or find someone to do it than I was willing to put in at the moment. They all got somehow magically weighted in my head in order of priority. A priority that until this moment I haven’t really tried to articulate but, this is probably a fair swipe at it.

In business, I needed to keeps jobs flowing and thus keep the cash flowing. So the more jobs that I started the more income possibility there was and the greater the cash flow. Also there is something great about having referenced based customers want me and choose me. It’s great to be needed and desired. I am certain that I would get a lot of jobs, not all but a lot, completed to the 90% place and then move to start the next and then not end up with the time to get to the final 10% wrapped immediately. I, of course, intended to finish and would keep a running list of the jobs and things needing to be finished as a nagging reminder that I hadn’t finished and of course would get phone calls and emails reminding me or requesting me to manage or otherwise handle hung out there items. I would stay in communication with people letting them know the supposed status of when I would be back to complete. But this management takes time, too. I did this like a juggler with multiple items in the air occasionally adding one and then dropping one just to keep it interesting or to keep them watching . Most everyone was great and all were very patient. Especially Megan, who I am sure told me in the past about her dissatisfaction with doing life this way, but just allowed me to keep doing it my way. Very recently I actually heard her express, very out loud, that this is not how she likes to do things. That she would prefer to stay and complete (in all arenas) then move on to the next. I am glad I heard that and clear that I was in a place to hear it only because of the process of completion we embarked on. We are now dancing differently together, and gentler, happier dance, so to speak.

Sometimes I would even get complemented on my ability to handle it all. Another little reward for the way I did things, keeping the pattern in place. But imagine (and have been told) that after a while it becomes quite a nuisance for them as well and they are left with a sense of incomplete, too. (I really get it) Emergencies, as so labeled by me and my customers, would take precedence and push things out of place even more than the need to start more to keep cash flow moving. Emergencies can be very attractive. They did add more and immediate cash flow, I was needed more than ever and they were usually short in duration so pushing something aside to take care of the emergency for a day was acceptable to me and to my other customers. But they keep coming (it’s no real wonder) and so do the desires and requests to be complete with projects so that I could handle the other upcoming projects and emergencies. All things considered, it is clear that what happened was that a system, a default system not an intentional system, developed.

The system was this; it got to a place where it leveled out at the place where it was and just kept running like it was with only a few major sporadic emergencies or urgent situations thrown in to the constantly orbiting rocks but they, the orbiting rocks, became the constant as did my management system. They were always there and when I got a chance I would take care of one of them or a piece of one of them and it seemed to be OK. Sometimes it was more than OK based on the reward part of the system. After a certain time, folks would be very happy that I was coming back. I found that I could look like the hero even after being a jerk if it was managed properly. The real problem is that all of this management was consuming. My time, freedom and life were being spent in the management of those unintentional details. Ultimately it is not very rewarding and it leaves almost no time for doing the things I really want to do.

Thank you, from the bottom of my soul, to all of our truly awesome and constantly supportive friends and family, for your tolerance and assistance and all you have physically done and continue to do in making my life work and be worthwhile. I love you. As Joe Cocker once said, “You are so beautiful to me.” I am also truly grateful for all of the patience shown and offered, by others, in the course of this life of mine as I have tried to figure out the way to be inside of doing it the way I was doing it. This is Life!

I am amazed that we have it all on one sheet. I am glad to be complete with all but two of the outstanding jobs items and three last newly added work items before we leave. My new rewards, as a result of the clearing, are coming in the way of creativity returning to my life and a sense of peace that I had forgotten existed or was attainable. I am writing more and interested in picking up my guitar again and learning how to play the banjo while Jasper plays the harmonica and Megan dances and sings with us. I am in the contextual phase of two new books to pen and a third one has started writing itself in my sleep. I can’t wait to type it out.

I am very grateful for all that I (we) have done in this clearing or process of getting ready for this trip. I am aware that this was my trip and the traveling about to commence is the gift, the prize for taking the journey.